BEASTS

Every year ESPN the magazine puts together a list of the NEXT great athlete. They have wowed the entire world with predictions that Lebron, Tiger Woods would come to rule their sport. Shockers both I know. In the spirit of the ESPN NEXT articles… I am going to bring you the beast list. What exactly is a beast? I think a beast is a person whose actions speak louder than their words. A person whose actions never cease to amaze you is a beast. Typically when hearing about an especially beastly move my response will be and after hearing about their escapades the only reaction you can really have is…what a beast.

Political Beast – Rahm Emanuel

Now up until 2 days ago I didn’t know Rahm Emanuel from Temple Emanuel. However with Barack Obama looking to turn around 240 years of continuous W.A.S.P. rule over this here land, he has appointed Rahm Emanuel to be his Chief of Staff. For those politically ignorant readers out there the job of the Chief of Staff is to be the Presidents closest advisor. In some cases he has to go out and find blue dresses for the Presidents mistresses to wear, in other cases he needs to round up every 18-24 year old male and send them to a certain Cuban “resort”. In any case the chief of staff is the President’s bitch, right hand man, and advisor all rolled into one. Rahm has made the first ever beast list because he does not fuck around. The mans nickname is Rahm-Bo after this famous outburst following the 1996 elections of Bill Clinton:

“Emanuel is said to have "mailed a rotting fish to a former coworker after the two parted ways."^[7] On the night after the 1996 election, "Emanuel was so angry at the president's enemies that he stood up at a celebratory dinner with colleagues from the campaign, grabbed a steak knife and began rattling off a list of betrayers, shouting 'Dead! ... Dead! ... Dead!' and plunging the knife into the table after every name."

For those of you looking to make future renditions of the Beast List, this is the kind of no nonsense attitude it takes. Being a beast usually involves a wicked temper, holding a lot of hate and spite in ones heart, and taking every opportunity to be overly dramatic and insinuate death to your enemies

Rahm Emanuel WHAT A BEAST!

Athletic Beast – Nate Robinson

Now, one would think that Pacman Jones or Maurice Clarett should make the Beast list. Unfortunately those of you who think that are fucking morons. Beasts are accomplished people who just assert their savagery at every possible moment. Therefore Pacman and Maurice are out. The athlete beast is my main man (and fantasy sleeper) Nate Robinson. Lets all admit it basketball is a tall mans game. Being 5’7 and making it in the NBA asserts a certain level of assumed beastliness. However Nate’s height alone is not enough to get him on this list. Let me list his accomplishments

1) 1) Slam dunk Champ

2) 2) Missed his dunk an embarrassing 7 trillion times and still got a near perfect score.

3) 3) In one season he fought punk ass teammates Malik Rose & Jerome James

4) 4) In same season he tried to fight Carmelo Anthony. While Carmelo will berate any snitches (including Nick Kazur…who is both Canadian and a Snitch big no no’s on the beast list) he won’t fight a man who is like 11 inches shorter than he is. Why you ask? Because ‘Melo knows Nate Robinson would have absolutely wrecked him

5) He blocked Yao Ming who is like 11ft tall.

Nate Robinson WHAT A BEAST